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Today’s thought: The Zacklies is when you been partying all night and you wake up in the morning with your mouth tasting Zackie like your ass. ----- Cat got your tongue? Cat smells better than your tongue? New mouse-flavored breath mints for cats? From the makers of Kitty-Joy cat odor anal spray. In the fecal spray aisle. ----- Classic Johnny Carson: You can walk up the hill or take the trolley, and when you take the trolley up they call you a trollup. Jack and Jill went up that hill, but Jill wasn't wearing a bra under her blouse when she came back down. Gave me problems with my Hard Drive. I gotta get expanding underwear for those stretch moments. Or maybe take a tip from Jill and hang out for awhile. ----- A historian is the official keeper of the official lies we call history. ----- "Never become what you are fighting against." - Donna Frye, twice cheated out of the San Diego mayoral election. ----- When you multi-task at mowing the lawn and checking Twitter, ending up dropping the phone into the lawnmower, you get shredded tweet. ----- Mandalay Bay. If you could afford to visit, you would not be stuck on a goddamn bus reading this ad. ----- A Mexican friend learning English asked me what an ass is. I told him that it is a donkey, a butt, a bad person (pendejo) or even a Democrat (PAN). He laughed. ----- I told my church that they gotta stop cumming on crackers and calling that Jesus. Jesus would object. ----- When you lie to investors, is that false prophets or false profits? ----- If we really wanted to know the truth we would use sodium pentothol plus rohypnol, a polygraph, and an MRI brain scan. ----- A penny for your thoughts, a dollar to go away. ----- A mixed marriage is when you marry a tree, or a goat, or something like that, isn't it? ----- Shopping for meat is so difficult. I usually cannot afford the package, unless it's got a picture of a little dog on it. ----- Rap music by singer Debbie Reynolds is called Reynolds wRap? ----- I want all you wealthy Masons and Mormons and Jews to spend 30 years of your life living on the sidewalk, and then we will be even. ----- Are you Fake? Do you WISH you were Fake? Most famous people are Fake, and you can be too, with a degree from Fake University. Many of our graduates go on to careers in politics, Hollywood, or broadcasting.Learn how to lie, cheat, and be a real Fake person today! We will even give you a Fake identification card! -----Sign in Tijuana: Donate to the Fidel Castro Medical Research Center. No Health-For-Wealth hijacking for bogus research and profits. ----- At Cockroach Wireless, our nano-bot cockroaches eat all the worms and viruses in your phone. And, our roaches can eat your cricket, too. ----- I got busted for smiling in a "NO SMILING" Zone, so they told me, "You have the right to an attorney who has never been to law school, cannot read or write, and is high on cocaine while defending you." -----Small welfare checks are why we have fertility clinics. The more children you have, the bigger your welfare check, so people sign up at a fertility clinic to be able to have a whole litter of five or six babies at the same time. Then they get a nice big FAT welfare check, which helps them to get big and fat, too.----- Carne garbachito, the vegetarian taco meat made from real vegetarians. ----- I called the latest edition of the San Diego Reader "Without editorial purpose, no guts, no news, no activism, no social value, no entertainment value, and, in short, the newspaper of the future." ----- When you rent apartments to hot babes, hoping to get sex, they call you a SchlumLord. ----- Mandalay e-Bay Resort. Sell your shorts to pay your casino bill. ----- The university system has really changed since I went to college. They now offer a Masters Degree in Auto Body Repair, and a Ph.D. in Carpet Cleaning. How times have changed! ----- Stage Fright is when you are afraid to enter a Wells Fargo Bank, lest a runaway stagecoach ride over you and take all the money out of your account, calling it "fees". ----- McDonalds now has Vegetarian Coffee that comes without the little cockroaches. ----- Pig Grass is dope that cops smoke. ----- Fruitcakes come with a chain saw to cut them, and kill cockroaches and garden pests. The little round squishy things are mouse brains. -----There is a new petition to turn California into a huge marijuana amusement park. They are calling it Dizzyland. ----- My last car was a Chrysler GC (Ghetto Cruiser) that I bought at Jesus Chrysler. ----- Seen on a t-shirt: FAT GUYS RULE. Washington, D.C. ----- Dogs assisting the elderly are Senile Eye Dogs. ----- When the hospital intentionally murders somebody, that is Hospicide, a hit by the hospital mob, the ILuminati, who run the medical schools. ----- Baby Changing Stations, where you drop an unwanted problem kid down the chute and the attendant gives you a different one, have the problem of lots of used babies accumulating. So, they send them to a Used Baby Lot to get sold. Honest Bob's Used Babies! Low Miles! Cream Puff! Some of our used babies even come with White Wall Tires! Act now, and get Easy Financing on the Used Baby of your choice! Honest Bob's Used Babies. The ones we can't sell get squished into Baby Oil, just like that there Emu Oil. You gotta have Emu Oil, because you never know when your Emu (or baby) might start to squeak. ----- The Pacific Sewer (formerly Ocean) is a really big toilet that all the little toilets flush into, so that people can get the thrill of a full-body golden shower by surfing and swimming in all that piss and shit. ----- Did he say LDS or LSD? Dyslexia? Isn't that a laxative for discs? ----- Cat Shit Stench Sticks are preferred by cigarette junkies worldwide. Make your mouth and clothing smell like kitty's ass for a quarter of a year! -----Religion is rich people worshipping money, and poor people worshipping them, thinking there is some sort of a God. ----- Vicadins are Vikings from the planet Vulcan, and they own a cult that sells narcotics. ----- At Billy Bop's Bail Bonds, we lend you a handgun when we bail you out of jail, so you can make money for a lawyer by robbing a few liquor stores. ----- Some Chinese people eat kitty-cats, and that's really eating pussy. ----- I once travelled by bus. Bought a last-class ticket and got to ride in the wheel-well, next to the spare tire. ----- I want to suggest that all of the border inspection agents be required to live on the Mexican side of the border, and cross each day to work without any special treatment. ----- The new border dogs can detect drugs, weapons, and even political pundits like me. ----- The National Violence Association sez that visiting Mexico is dangerous because it is so easy to run out of ammo, and so difficult to buy more. You can get your ass shot off. ----- Eventually, God recalls us all. Makes me wonder of there is a product defect. ----- Ross Perot just got out of the mental hospital and wants to run for President. I saw him sleeping on the sidewalk near Suze Orman, the financial genius who just published a book on all those investment schemes she fell for. ----- I want to suggest the Democrats place several outhouses outdoors near Capitol Hill with the message: "Members of Congress Only. Flush toilets are only for governments that aren't broke." ----- Here at MicroChip Church you can download our cellular app containing 277 sermons and over 300 billion words of Jesus. Sponsored by Big Money Real Estate Corporation, and Mega-Money Foods. ----- Capitalism is a religion that worships rich people and their money. ----- When you throw up your hands, you learn that you should not have eaten them to begin with. ----- The thing about frostbite is that frost really bites. ----- I am your child, so it is my job to torment you for bringing me into this world. ----- Date Rape is when you ram it in so hard that the date loses its pit, giving you a seedless date. Great on breakfast cereal, for all you cereal killers out there, and I knew one guy who could down four boxes every morning. Slow Down! Stop and smell the corn flakes. ----- The Tower of Babble connects to the transmitters at KFMB and sends out AM Radio garbage 24 hours. Wire your head in with ear-nucks and go on the poor man's acid trip. Close your eyes, tune out, and listen to your ear-nucks. You can use a mouth-nuck, too, if you want to and it makes you feel better. ----- I got stuck in the World Wide Web and a big spider bit me and sucked all the juices out of my wallet. -- A One Night Stand is less of a date and more of a Visa or MasterCard transaction. How much you get depends upon how much the woman wants to pay you. ----- If you have to go thru the trouble of proving something, then it probably isn't true. ----- The NBA, Negroes BassetBawl Assocination, is having a disagreement with the Plantation Owners that own the BassetBawl Stadium plantations. No longer growers of cotton, the Plantation Owners insist that their human-capital posessions (the player-slaves) should only be paid 1% of the amount that the Masters take in on them. Currently they make 2%. They are no longer chained up, but are still bought, sold, traded, and fully-owned assets. ----- Church is where ministers go to get worshipped, because God couldn't be there. ----- Vampire Diaries? Do vampires keep diaries, sort of the play-by-play, bit-by-bit, bite-by-bite history? Call that BloodBlog? No, that sounds too much like a brand of tampons. ----- If they close Big Jimmy's Wonderful and Caring Medical Marijuana Dispensary and Grenade Shop, where are people supposed to buy ammo for their grenade launchers? ----- The Sacristan is the chief cracker-whacker, who adds the whack to the crackers in church. ----- Suzie's Whorehouse has a special called Erect Deposit. Or is that Direct Deposit? Sounds like an account at a Sperm Bank to me. ----- Truth in gene-splicing: "This genetically-modified pear uses genes from mouse spleens." ----- "If you place enough blood and semen into their food, you can brainwash anyone into believing anything." -Sigmund Freud, PT Barnum, Karl Marx, J. Edgar Hoover. Be sure to eat some of the circus funnel cake before you go see the sideshow. ----- Every time I use my Compass Card, it points in the wrong direction, and I get lost. ----- Rich people are said to make good cat food, and I hope that means by using a factory, not using their bodies to be it, although nowadays Missing Persons needs to check out pet food plants. ----- You got any of those pills the police give out for the Homeless Suicide Program? I heard it has significantly reduced the number of homeless for the first time in 40 years, and at almost no cost to the taxpayers! ----- Metal Detector Scan: Remove lead-lined underwear. Pop out gold teeth and place them in tray. ----- Times are so bad that even God is broke. He tried to borrow ten bucks, but I told him my welfare check is late. He said that his check is late, too. ----- A tweeker and a tweeter are the same, except there are no rehab centers for cyber-addiction. ----- This nation cares so much for its military veterans that it makes sure to clean the sidewalks that they sleep on. ----- Father Jimmy's School for Catholic Boys with Tight Butts. Bring pencils, crayons, paper, glue, and condoms. ----- Big Harvey's Printing and Birth Certificates guarantees you can walk right into the country. Be anybody you want to be, with a fake driver's license and birth certificate from Big Harvey, including a working magnetic strip, matching hacker input on the DMV computer. You can even get those pesky DUIs and criminal convictions erased. ----- Eat your beans, Jenny, there are people starving on the sidewalks of Boston. ----- Encuentra Jesus! (esta perdido) = Find Jesus! (He's lost). ----- I had an idea for the "dumb phone" instead of a smart phone. All you can use it for is AM talk radio and re-runs of Oprah. ----- Most states have a State Bird, but California has a State Condom (true story), Hollywood Brand, with the sign and the searchlights, for free distribution as the Official State Condom. ----- The government isn't broke, it's broken. ----- You have to be very careful because there are a lot of gangs of thugs walking around San Diego. They are armed, too, and wear badges. ----- You woke up in the Tijuana jail because you were so drunk that you jumped into a police car, thinking it was a taxi. ----- Fair Housing is when the city tears down your home to put up a fair park, with amusement park rides. You get to live between the Tilt-a-Whirl and the trash dumpster, in your new Fair Housing. ----- Fine Art is when you have to pay a fine because the city does not like your art. ----- I think the Occupy Wall St. protesters will be charged with Aggravated Blasphemy for suggesting that the rich start paying taxes. No wonder the police are so upset! Goes against the George W. Bush Patriotic Freedom To Worship the Rich Act. ----- You have the right to remain silent, and that gives me the right to cut your tongue out and feed it to my police dog. You have the right to an attorney that is high on dope, never went to law school, and cannot read nor write. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you to convict you of something you didn't do in a court of law. ----- Freedom of Speech is the freedom to arrest somebody for the speech they give. ----- Somebody tried to sell me tools stolen out of my truck years ago, with my name still on them. Yes, dope rules the world, and cash only comes in second. ----- I have been shit on by society, and demand my right to shit back. Cover your face, cause it's a wet fart. ----- (Archives) Shingles shots are an alcoholic beverage consumed by roofers, right? I heard the very best of all roofers make it onto Shingler's List. ----- If the Holy Cummunion isn't holy enuf, you gotta whack it with more sperms. ----- Ontario, CA is Ontario, California, NOT Ontario, Canada. On the other hand, Virgin Mobile CA is Canada, not California. ----- The British West Indies and Baja California have the same problem, because WI is West Indies or Wisconsin, and BC is British Columbia or Baja California. And I am glad that the World Wrestling Federation, WWF, stages all those wrestling matches to raise money for the World Wildlife Fund. ----- The British have a name for those who use Twitter a lot. They are called Twits. ----- I couldn't find the Orange Line Trolley, so I used the Grapefruit Line and ended up in a dumpster in Tijuana. ----- The new McChicken Sandwich. It takes just like chicken that's been run over by a bus. ----- I got a text message from my cell phone company that they are going to kidnap my cat unless I pay my bill by Friday. ----- Lord, help me to understand what I must understand, and to do what I must accomplish, and to kill and bury the mudderfokkers who piss me off. ----- The sign said No Sitting, Standing, Breathing, Existing, or Thinking, so the cop gave me five tickets. ----- I thought Lemon Grove was a car dealer! ----- Funk-Shway is a nightclub on Maple St. that has a battle between the yids and and yangs. The yids own the bank that the club pays rent to, so they usually win. The yids and the yangs are too yung for me. ----- Did he say the prison lunch was filet-of-fish, or filet-of-snitch? ----- Where do I live? I don't live, I just survive. We are in an Ecno-Monic Depression, which means that even God is broke. God tried to borrow twenty bucks from me just yesterday, but I told him my welfare check was late. What did George W. Bush do with all the money, and where is he hiding it? Money doesn't disappear, it just moves around. Somebody's got it. ----- Entry sign to the Tijuana Homeless Camp, Camp Hell: "Welcome to Hell. The Devil will be with you shortly;he is busy molesting some children right now. You see, he is working part-time as a Catholic priest." ----- Construction is man's way of telling God that the caves and forests that he provided for us to live in are not good enough. ----- Don't drink and drive, just drink, because beer is cheaper than gasoline. ----- Labor Day must have to do with childbirth and being in labor, because it sure can't be about the awful crap that the government is still doing to the unions. ----- Now you can vote by internet in Mexico, even if you are not Mexican or have been dead for years. In the US, dead people can only vote in Illinois and Utah. ----- BOGO, Buy One Get One. BOGOF, Buy One Get One Free. BOGUS, Buy One Get Ugly Shit (or Stuff). ----- We keep trying to get people back to work, but those lazy good-for-nothings just want to sit around and drink tea. We gotta get this Tea Party over with.----- FA(s)T FOOD is lard-asses trying to make everybody else just as porky. ----- At Big Jimmy's Printing and Birth Certificates you can get a vehicle title for just $22, which is way less money than making car payments. ----- We call soldiers that aren't gay by a different name, Marines. ----- "Fixing voting machines and rigging (foreign) elections is so easy that I could someday get my boy George W. elected President!" - CIA Director under Ronald Reagan, George H. Bush. ----- I'm in a 12-step program - I take 12 steps and fall down because I'm so drunk. ----- "Subsidized" means that somebody, such as a farmer, is getting paid to not do something. ----- "The primary purpose of religion is to keep the poor from killing the rich." - St. Thomas Aquinas. ----- The Al Capone Transient Center (El Cajon Transit Center) is where Capone's ganster buddies have always hanged out when they don't have any work, so he can find them a job as a dope dealer or a hit-man. -----"Customers Come First" is the motto of Mission Federal Credit Union, but also the motto of Adelita's Whorehouse Bar and Men's Bawdy Sex Club in Tijuana. Or, is it the similar slogan, "Customers Cum First". (true story)-----Menage a trois, pronounced menage a twat, is when you got more than one twat to work with. ----- A real stimulus package is a bag of cocaine. ----- If it doesn't give you diarrhea, it isn't real (xxxxx) food. (diet, hospital, airline, Mexican, American, home-cooked, Chinese, fast, gourmet, Italian, homie, ethnic, weight-loss) ----- Shit-on-a-shingle, meet cum-on-a-cracker. ----- Eskimo pies happen when little Inuit babies aren't wearing diapers. ----- Medical marijuana is a good mind laxative for those people who are so mentally constipated that their heads are completely full of shit, and they just cannot squeeze it out. Society makes a new shit deposit every time somebody reads a book, listens to the news, or attends a class. ----- In God We Trust, and we know we're God. Everybody else gets to eat our cum and pussy-blood to help cram their heads with our shit. ----- Same-sex marriage is God's way of helping with the overpopulation problem. ----- Bouncers are not always violent stupid people looking to feel better about being so inadequate by controlling others. Some "bouncers" are women playing volleyball on a nude beach. Sexist? No, human ape. ----- Why settle for artificial intelligence when you can get the apex in Artificial Stupidity: A computer that worships Jesus and can preach in 15 languages! New from DumbTronix. ----- Would you feel uncomfortable in a huge cage full of gorillas? What if the cage was huge, an entire planet, and was called Earth? ----- Under Ancient Pagan Law, a baby may be aborted up until one year after birth, which is the time it becomes a human life. This law is twenty thousand years old. ----- Buffalo Wings? Do buffaloes even have wings? I'm still looking for the nuggets on my chicken. I think maybe just roosters have nuggets, and you can castrate them and cook their nuggets. My chicken is a hen, no nuggets, but she has those pre-aborted fetuses called eggs that we humans strangle and scramble for breakfast. Whipped up chopped aborted chicken fetuses. That's good eatin'. ----- The bible is the rich man's book of slavery and how to do it. The rich who wrote it claim to be God, and the poor are too stupid to know better. So, the poor worship the rich slave-masters, calling their blood and cum "Jesus". ----- A Snow Day is when a huge shipment of cocaine comes in from Ecuador, so be really careful of all those high construction workers and bus drivers out there. ----- I wonder how many tourists get on the Orange Line trolley at the Convention Center, stay with it until after downtown, and end up making an unscheduled trip to the City Morgue, as a body. ----- Divorce continues night after night and you wake up feeling yourself again. ----- My pet roach got loose from his roach-clip and got the whole neighborhood pregnant. Now he will be featured on "Roaches Gone Wild." ----- Hi, I'm Leather Teddy the famous S & M guru. My products will help you thru better bondage, sadism, and torture, so you can squeal with delight. Leather Teddy's find line of lingerie, whips, chains, and handcuffs, and if the men's and women's selections aren't for you, we also have queen sizes for you queens out there. Free personal taser with a $300 purchase, so you can have more fun than a Border Patrol agent! ----- A new low! New Friskies Aborted Fetus Flavor cat food. For cats that like the taste of human blood. It's in the tampon isle. ----- Most lawyers learn how to practice law eventually, despite having been subjected to law school. ----- T-shirt on a homeless woman: I (heart) My Attitude Problem. Couldn't have said it better. ----- Heard on the radio that KFC now had 33% larger breasts, so I went down there, but they told me I had the wrong restaurant. It was an ad for Hooters. ----- Welcome to the United States Customs Inspection. Please wait in line here a short 3 to 5 hours for our immediate attention. Thank you. ----- "Architecture is Inhabited Sculpture", motto of the NewSchool of Architecture, 12th (Park) and Market. ----- We don't call it Slavery anymore. We call it Minimum wage. ----- The lady today said "Are you watching your figure?" I said, "Yes, I'm watching it get bigger and bigger." ----- I accidentally took a breath of air belonging to the City while standing on the 5th Ave. trolley stop "No Breathing, Standing, Sitting or Existing" Zone. I did not get ticketed, as the Gestapo failed to notice. ----- San Diego is where an Armenian and an Israeli hire a Mexican cook to prepare genuine Italian pizza, served by an Afghani to tourists from Holland and Australia. ----- The man said, "Homeless? So how long have you been a lazy, drug-addicted lunatic?" I said, "Huh?" He replied, "See, you don't even know!" ----- Satan runs the world, and allows that no good deed ever go unpunished. ----- It's a living chicken once conceived, so eating eggs is chowing down on some hen's abortion. ----- New adult movie, "Star Whores", about an interplanetary whorehouse. ----- You gotta admire my spunk, as I am at the same time about to sue the MTS for what they did to me regarding my bike locker, and at the same time, came up with a new trolley app for cell phones. As ridiculous as last week changing the psychiatric medicine of a doctor. ----- "Dialogue permits solutions, intolerance prevents them." Mexican Federal Elections Commission, IFE. ----- New "Bible Paper", biblical tracts on toilet paper, so you can wipe your ass with the word of rich slave-masters who wrote it and claimed they were God. ----- I heard they were afraid that former President George W. Bush had some kind of a disease called IQ, so they sent him out for an IQ test, but the results came back negative. ----- IBL, the Institute of Better Lying, can teach you how to be so convincing that you can become a news anchor or an attorney! Other jobs include hired court witness, minister, public administrator, senator, or investigator. Skillful liars rule the world, so get trained now by the Institute of Better Lying. Careers for your future! ----- Snake-Eye School of Law, Plumbing, and Pest Extermination offers a Ph.D. in Carpet Cleaning and a Master's Degree in Cockroach Abatement and Legal Consulting. You can also get your M.A. in Extortion. Become an expert at the Sheet Metal Bench and the Legal Bench at the same time! Anybody can practice law, but how many have a mafia permit to practice plumbing? ------- The Native Americans want their land back, but the buffalo say that they were there long before the first human, and they want their land back. ----- If burritos were once made from burrito (small burro) meat, what about hot dogs, arf-arf? ------ High-Fat creamer sponsored by the Coronary Surgeons Association as a marketing tool. See our participating physicians as soon as you need us. ----- McIguana. Wake up and smell the lizards. Served with fried puppy offal. McDelicious. ----- I expect to see Suzie Orman on the sidewalk any day now, the way investments are going. Oh, I forgot. She's in with the Mormon Secret Police, who warn when the scam is about to go sour. ----- Gamblers Anonymous is for people who buy common stock, right? Is "Hooked on Deritivites" about stock derivatives or opium derivatives, or both? ----- Rich fat pigs who own hedge funds are called hedge hogs. ----- If you don't feed your computer mouse enough cookies, your hard drive gets soft. ----- Persons pissing in the flower bed with be thanked and spanked by the Good Fairy, as soon as he/she gets back from blessing the gay bar. Thank you. Flowers like a golden shower. ----- Dogs leave scent messages on fire hydrants and such, which is their Facebook, because they stick their face in it to smell the message. Someday, on-screen scratch-and-sniff. ----- How about a cosmetic products catalog on-line featuring all of the different facial creams? Call it FaceGook, gook for your face. ----- A "Full Service" Law Firm gets involved in all the more complicated legal processes, like bribery, extortion, and money-laundering. Not just "Retainer Fees" (bribes for judges) but witness-tempering and reprisals, too. Guido, Busti, and Machine Gun Harry boast one of the finest Full Service Law firms, with great hit-men and arm-twisters. All legal work can be done on credit, because if you don't pay, they cut off your legs. ----- If chicken pieces are too big for your little boy, try Kentucky Fried Squirrel, new from the Colonel. Order a bucket of paws and tails today! ----- When did SS change its name to LDS? Their Real Estate Scams Division makes short work of bible junkies trying to witness for Jehovah. Is he their zookeeper? ----- Sometimes when I get ignored, the silence is deafening. A swastika is the symbol of Jewish oppression tactics used against Jews. Jewish oppression against everybody else is represented by. ----- Remember "Girls Gone Wild"? New "Cops Gone Wild" features police officers as they stab, shoot, kick, dismember, and torture innocent citizens! Watch video of police cutting off body parts, including one man's head, with a chain saw! All the butchery that made Hitler's SS famous! Cops Gone Wild. Coming soon to a video store near you. -------Redd, the fire-breathing dragon sez: "All humans are krunchy, but you can soften them up some by banging them against a mountain for a few hours, or running them over repeatedly with heavy truck equipment. Good eating!" (Remember that dragons prefer their humans extra-raw.) ----- Poop comes in liquid (piss), solid (shit) and gaseous (farts or cigarette smoke). That last one (especially Stench Sticks, sometimes called "cigarettes") is the worst of the 3. ----- Is is true that Fox News hires only creative writers? ♦ "Don't mess around with drugs and death. Mess around with life." -Mexican D.E.A. ♦ Victoria's secret was to put a little bit of her menstrual blood into her husband's food. ♦ Since the Segways used by the San Diego Propaganda Dept. are failing, how about using some of the famous San Diego Rats to pull them? Very green because the rats can feed off the human poop on the sidewalks. ♦ Is Naziism actually the same as Judaism, except that it is directed against Jews instead of being directed by Jews against everybody else? ♦ The bankruptcy of a rich nation is called "budget cuts", which causes a Depression that the nation does not survive. The only way out is a World War. All previous rich industrial nations starting to go down ended up with their disposessed burning the cities. ♦ "The truth is crazy, but if you know the truth, you know too much, so society locks you up and calls you crazy." John Schlitz, speaking of the UFO aliens, 3-31-11. ♦ Looks to me that two-thirds of the construction workers are high at work, which explains why Workman's Comp is the highest in California, and why the most accidents occur here. ♦ Is a "homie" a guy who rapes children, or a guy who teaches them how to inject heroin, or both? Why are so many homies let out of jail and not executed? Perhaps the word means gunslinger with no morals. Are they all high on dope? Do they really shoot people who do not become dope slaves? How do we kill them before they kill us and rape our kids? ♦ I wanted to make Chihuahua cheese, but Tiny won't let me milk her. Stubborn as one of those soy milk soybeans, but the teats on a dog are easier to find. ♦ A cup of Joe is great in the morning, unless you're bricked up and then you need a cup of José, made with the Tijuana water. Makes you shit like a racehorse that works for a fertilizer factory. ♦
I think stupidity must be a religion. Or, maybe it is all religions. Join Dummies For Jesus, and help give women emotional problems just for taking part in God's Holy Sacrament of Abortion. Suckers wanted. ♦ Thank you, God, for being less of a butt-hole than you were last week. ♦ A tsunami is when you're in a hot tub, and a fat person jumps in, depleting it of all its water. The closest I ever was to a tsunami is when a really fat babe jumped onto my waterbed, springing a leak, and getting the ceiling wet. Get rubber duckie a life preserver so he doesn't drown. ♦ "Life is about having a positive impact upon the world, despite the negative impact it had upon you." -John Schlitz, 03-02-2011. ♦ Please do not urinate nor defacate on the trolley, even though there are nearly no toilets downtown. The trolley is not an outhouse; it just smells like one. ♦ "Clean and Safe" has to do with reloading your handgun after if falls into all the human shit on the San Diego streets, right? Clean it, and you will then be safe?
City Council meetings are like watching paint dry. Goes along ok when you get used to it, and just as interesting, too. ♦ A Sacristan is a chief cracker-whacker. ♦ Here at the Caring & Compassionate Holistic Medical Marijuana Dispensary, Whorehouse, and Gun Club, we give you a free pound of cocaine when you buy a 27,000 pound box of medical marijuana and a granade launcher. ♦ Sexist Bob sez: Tight women loosened, loose women tightened, and very loose women worshipped. Look in my toolbox for a wench. ♦ I mix science and religion a lot, and may eventually have a page on that, proposing religions for today´s more-intelligent people. Look at my new Radio Page. ♦
The government once feared John Schlitz, but now he fears them. ♦ New editorial about reducing the government budgets in a reasonable way, here: ☻ ♦ I want to see tobacco outlawed, but people can get a doctor prescription as a tobacco addict, and go to a dispensary. ♦ Misery is getting to heaven and finding out you´re an avitar. Worse misery is getting to hell and finding out your avitar runs the place. ♦ Concrete powder is all-natural limestone, but makes the tofu way too firm. ♦ Don't complain about sucking hind tit, unless you find out that mommy cow is really daddy. (Classic Johnny Carson in Vegas, too sexy for The Tonight Show. I wrote it new, today, 1-17-11.) ♦ Why was the suburb of El Cajon referred to as the butt-hole of San Diego on TV? Never insult San Diego that way! San Diego is not putrid Trailer Trash, not even its butt-hole. (I lived in El Cajon off and on from 1979 thru 2007.) ♦ Do the Fockers have Irish relatives with the name O´fock? ♦ Since humans care more about stray pets than stray humans, todays Harry Potter exercise is to turn yourself into a cat, and check in at an animal shelter. Hopefully, you do not develop a taste for cat food. Caution that many animal shelters euthanize. Human shelters are self-euthanizing, via drugs, alcohol, sexual deprivation, boredom, and mental illness. Slower and more painful than death by lethal injection, so check in at an animal shelter, which is far more humane. ♦ New Seven Belches brand from the Chug-A-Lug Wine Company is sure to be the perfect breakfast wine. With 40% REAL unemployment, it´s the breakfast of the future. It´s not the wine the wine snobs prefer; it´s the wine they drink when sitting outside the sewage treatment plant. ♦ If you want Christmas or Thanksgiving turkey in Mexico, it is hard to find gravy, or even cornstarch for gravy. But, masa harina (no English word), which is corn flour for tortillas, is mostly corn starch. ♦ A Trojan Horse is the really big size that they use at the racetrack so that none of the stallions get sexually-transmitted diseases. Each Trojan Horse condom comes in its own shopping bag. ♦ What do they call Chihuauha puppies in Tijuana? Chinese food. The sign says, "Chinese food with rice and vegetables." Arf-arf. ♦ Think of a very sexy Black woman as an Afro-desiac. Never cared for Tyra Banks, but adult model Sammie? ♦
"To have a good life, it is not necessary to be rich and famous. It is only necessary to be rich." Alan Alda (Hawkeye of MASH) ♦ Tired of the smoke and stench of the city? Now you can buy tanks of compressed mountain-fresh air that hook up directly to your home de-stinkerator. So, the same machine that removes toxic benzene and plutonium particles from your air can now add real fresh air, too! ♦ Tijuana t-shirt: "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you." ♦ "A Free Press is only free if you happen to own one." Benjamin Franklin. ♦ "What is true is completely unimportant. What is important is your preception of the truth, or what you think is true. That is extremely important." Dr. Sigmund Freud. ♦ African dictator cannibalist Edi Amin used to thank the Catholic Church for sending so many tasty missionaries. (True story.) Next, maybe an NBC reality TV series, "Breakfast With Idi". Instead of a cast, this show has a menu. ♦
Mexicans eat peeled cucumbers by wetting them with lime juice and then sprinkling salt and dried chili powder on them. My idea was to carve the cuke into the shape of a penis. There are already phallic lollipops and frozen treats. Maybe someday a milk carton shaped like a tit. ♦ All the knowledge your mommy didnt tell you about, because she was too busy fucking your daddy to make your little brother. The only thing the stork ever dropped down the chimney was bills for child support. "Sorry, judge, I had a fire going at the time." ♦ We will all die of cancer someday, if we live long enough to do so. ♦ "If you sacrifice your freedoms for more security, you end up losing your freedoms without any increase in security." - Benjamin Franklin, Postmaster-General, inventor of the Italico Press, used by all nations to print money to this day. The only person on our paper money to never have been President. He refused. ♦ The man asked me, "Where do you live?" I replied, "I´m homeless. I don´t live, I merely survive." ♦
Martha Stewart´s prison recipies include a chocolate cake with a hacksaw in it, a clothing line of striped jumpsuits, and the latest in prison accessories, leather toe covers to keep the prison rats from biting your feet late at night. ♦ Internship is the process wherein one learns that everything they were ever taught was a lie. Interna, goddess of insight, root word of internal, interview, intervene, and interpose. All use the process of inference, via the frontal lobes of your brain. Insight is the ability to read between the lines and predict the future, a characteristic of all great apes, including humans. ♦ I didn´t lose my train of thought, it left the station without me. ♦ Adelita´s Bar. Mas carne para tu salchicha. (Adelita´s is a famous Mexican whorehouse, and the Spanish reads "More meat for your weiner.") ♦ "Your relationship with God is what is important. Not church, not ministers, not bible, not religion, but God. All else is helpful, but knowing God outweighs all else." Martin Luther. (Did the Catholic Church excommunicate Luther, or did he excommunicate them? He was a Messiah.) ♦ Visit our website and get bit by a spider! He likes to eat computer mice. ♦
Always trust a bull ram. Insist on Ram Dung House Publishing, your source for quality bullshit. ♦ How about a bra that has a compartment for carrying a small baby? Call it "Tercera Chichi" (third tit). ♦ Unprotected against kamikaze mosquitoes? That's like wearing a sign that says "Bite Me!" ♦ I still think "Police ICE" sounds like a dessert in an Italian restaurant. Goes good with spumoni? ♦ How can people smoke cigarettes? Holding something as putrid and awfully-stenchful as a cigarette to one's face is like licking the poop off a used diaper! Except, of course, that cigarettes smell far worse than diapers, catboxes, or outhouses. Should people be executed for smoking within 2 miles of a living person who uses lungs to breathe? Is it okay if you smoke? Is it okay if I smear my shit all over your face? Same question, phrased differently. ♦ People arriving before they depart are probably booked on Witches´ International Airlines, and will be travelling by JetBroom. Did he say JetBlue? ♦ The Mormon Church is where God the Father meets the Godfather. Italians? Well, maybe Salt Lake City is between Rome and Naples? They run Vegas, too, baby! ♦ True story of the inscription on a box: "Genuine tribal art Mexican hand-woven blankets, direct from the ejido." [that's a Mexican Indian Reservation] Followed by: Kowloon Automatic Weaving Machine Co., Hong Kong. ♦
The penny: No matter how much they shave off Lincoln's extremely long hair, and how much they trim his huge beard posthumously, he still has the name of goddess Liberty next to his head. They finally wised up, no longer using a building on the reverse that could be attacked by enemies. Moses should have known that trick. ♦ Feeding poor people in Tijuana again, but this one's my needs. Never abused it. ♦ Since the 1960´s, we went from glue-sniffing humans to bomb-sniffing dogs. Was anything learned? (by the humans, not the dogs!) ♦ Headshrinkers reduce people who have big heads, sometimes called "fatheads". ♦ Once you find Jesus, you´re halfway there. Now you need to find Allah, Buddha, Confuscious, and all the rest of them, to go along with him. ♦ John Schlitz said that in the Vietnam War era, colleges were huge whorehouses where people learned how to learn. (Beer sold in class, sex in the library, etc.) ♦ The Selective Execution Service System still exists, and only men, not women, have to register online at www.sss.gov. How sexist! ♦
Did you notice that the Arco billboards no longer say that it's part of BP? ♦ OXXO, the Mexican competitor of 7-11 and AM-PM convenience stores, offers packages of sundae "jimmies" for your morning coffee. A Mexican idea, and a good one. They melt. ♦ OXXO calls its hotdogs "Vikings" because they come in a longboat, the paper hotdog plate. I suppose I should object to the name of my tribe being used to promote obesity in Mexico. Why not call them John Wayne Bobbit Schlumdogs? Has a "kosher" feel to it. ♦ BP, British Petroleum (Arco) is named after Pagan goddess Brittania, goddess of the seas. She's angry right now because of the Gulf Oil Disaster (GOD). ♦ The attic of a webpage is where the webophiles talk to other mama spiders about weave-work. It's like an Afghan weaving an Afghan out of Afghan hair into an Afghan flag. ♦ My new San Diego State network site is called "Titter" atwww.nz9f.com/titter. It helps women control men. ♦ The only thing gutsier than putting your diary on-line is also making it Public Domain! ♦
♦ Culinary arts training for the poor and homeless? Great idea for getting spiritual. ♦ "Tantric sex will cure your desire for suicide, but suicide will also cure your desire for tantric sex. They are mutually exclusive, you know." ♦ My last words? I'm an emergency Red Cross disaster relief ham operator, with experience operating worldwide networks. I seen worse. ♦ The new tax-tax calls for you to list all of the taxes you pay on one form. Then, add them all up, calculate 10%, and mail it in. ♦ I'm working on a Twitter ap that gives the Homeless Lunch Menu at Vinnie's, so you can browse it on your Blackberry! ♦ "It riles them to believe that you perceive the web they weave: Keep on thinking free." Moody Blues, "On the Threshold of a Dream". ♦ I remember the days when you could use a police radar gun for an insect fogger. The microwaves would barbecue the bugs, leaving the area for your barbecue insect-free. ♦ "Autism is the greatest gift that anyone can be given." John Kitchin. (if you don't understand, read this site) ♦ The new iPhone from Apple works just like a seashell: Hold it to your ear, and hear the ocean roar. Turn up the volume, and you can hear investors roar. Anybody want my idea for a $2 fix? ♦ You have succeeded as a journalist when you've gotten both sides of an issue very angry with you because you divulged their secrets. ♦ Is "SD" San Diego or Sidewalk Doctorates (or both). ♦ And: Today's Harry Potter exercise is how to turn yourself into a cat, and then check in at an animal shelter. Saves on motel bills, but you develop a taste for cat food.
Attention rats and mice: Kitty does not tolerate shoplifting my groceries and will eat perpetrators with a side order of barbecue sauce. ♦ You are Republican but not Ruling Class? Okay, can I interest you in our course on how to read and write, and how to tie your own shoes? Retarded people can be helped, and we are having a really nice Tea Party for those of you who are Mentally Underprivileged. Comedy entertainment includes economic voodoo acts, as we help to re-legalize slavery, wiping out labor unions and the middle class, by reducing EVIL TAXES. ♦ "Racism" is when you believe that NASCAR is God, and then you are a race-ist. Drag racing is when the male automobiles pretend to be female. ♦ Without Redevelopment Agencies, a lot of rich people will no longer receive tax money for doing nothing. They may have to go out and work for a living, for the first time ever. No, I doubt that, because rich people are far too lazy to go out and work. ♦ Law is a system of excuses justifying why rich people get to cheat everyone else out of all their love and money. Application of that justification is called "justice", justifying disparities of net worth and social class. Justice is blindfolded, and not fair at all, as she cannot see what is on her scale. The blindfold was placed there by wealthy kids who inherited from mommy and daddy who also inherited, none of them ever having had worked for a living. -early John Schlitz, advancing Karl Marx to an art form. ♦ God answers my prayers all the time. He usually says no. ♦ Asked by an intellectual on the Alpine bus what I hoped to accomplish, I answered a better life for all. The Beatles song "Imagine" is about a better planet, and John Lennon was an anarchist and inspiration to John Schlitz (me). That word is anarchist, not antichrist, for those of you apes who went and killed him over it. Lennon said "Anarchy is causing a continuous change for the better." ♦ "Question everything, especially authority." Abbey Hoffman. ♦ "Societies which use violence to rule can only be changed by violence." Karlton Armstrong, the only terrorist to be caught and never prosecuted because it would have meant having to send over 200 government agents to prison, too. ♦ Mexico has a lot of empeños, shops for buying back things which were stolen from you to buy heroin. The English word is pawn shop. ♦ Watch what you eat. The early bird catches worms. When you eat a fish, and it runs into a tapeworm in your stomach, that becomes a worm eating a fish. ♦ When you disrobe today to dance naked in church, be sure to support God´s Holy Sacraments of Abortion, religious prostitution, and cracker-whacking, and enjoy a glass of altar wine on the side. And if that all offends you, clean the shit out of your head and enroll in a better kindergarden class. Even you retarded apes can become educated. ♦ Wealthy kids working free in politics, their own parents paying their wages, are called interns. Monica Lewinski was just doing her job of relieving Pres. Clinton, and it has always been done that way. ♦ I was gonna get on the political bandwagon, but slipped and it ran over my foot.
"The press is essential to our business. Even bad press is better than no press at all, which is the kiss of death." P.T. Barnum ♦ College is less about learning and more about determining how well you kiss ass. ♦
"I´m not the answer, but I´m asking the right questions, which nobody else is." John Kitchin. ♦ "Dreams are you trying to tell yourself something." John Schlitz, 1972. ♦ "The first thing you need to do when you become homeless is to check in at one of the homeless shelters that you founded." John Kitchin (webmaster of this site.) ♦ "Drink is the curse of the Working Class." Winston Churchill. "Work is the curse of the Drinking Class." W.C. Fields. "Work is better, but if there isn´t any, make mine Corona for breakfast." John Schlitz. ♦
The primary Ancient Pagan holiday song for over 4,000 years has been "Deck The Halls With Boughs of Holly", a song way older than Christianity, still used today by Christians and Pagans alike. ♦ "Celebrate God´s Most Holy and Blessed Gift of Abortion." John Schlitz. ♦ Back when the Mormons and Jews (along with the Italian Mob) bankrupted the FSLIC (Federal Savings & Loan Insurance Corporation) by issuing fraudulent loans to friends, I wondered what they were going to do with that much money. Now I know. Do you? ♦ "Hanging yourself from San Diego City Hall would be a hell of a poor way to prove a point about the San Diego homeless problem." Dr. Harry Henderson iii, M.D., Psychiatry. ♦
If God gave me this life, I want to cut his balls off and feed them to my cat. What we need most is a Homeless Suicide Program. Dr. Kevorkian, where are you when millions need your help to get outa here. ♦ Three-quarters of the word TAXI is TAX, and having operated one, that´s about true. ♦ Plants like to eat bullshit, while humans like to listen to it on AM Radio. ♦ Tweety Bird is so skinny because he´s a tweeter. Did he say the Early Bird Edition or the Early Birdcage Edition? My bird likes to poop early in the morning. Everytime I park my car near a trash dumpster, the city tries to collect it. If you abandon a pet, you go to prison, so make sure you only abandon people, not pets. Been dip is dip that has already been dip before. Recycle used dip in the pistachio shell trays, formerly used by diaper-lickers (smokers) to stink up the room with used stench-sticks (cigarettes). Note the completely diarrhea-free smell that eliminating the stench-sticks has caused. When French bread comes in herbal flavors, do they make dill-flavored French bread using dill dough? (Never used one to knead bread, but know people who have!) A person constantly on Twitter is a Twit? In the worst of the Mexican whorehouses, hope the whore uses a cunt-spray that kills agricultural diseases. Doc, I got a bad case of Distemper... (Doctor: Malemute, or did you do it with a Dalmation?) Eternal Dalmation in Hell? I think that dog-sex guy went on to become a televangelist. ♦
The Hong Kong Club: There´s no dogs on our menu, but lots of pussys. ♦ The Chicago Club: All the trimmings for your Chicago Hot Dog. ♦ (Already commented on the third whorehouse, Adelita´s, More meat for your weiner.) ♦ Mexico has a Public Relations arm of the govenment, the Dept. of Governing, that I call the Department of Public Confusion. It tries to make everything complicated enough that no ones tries to make sense of anything. Part of the mystery of Voodoo Govenment. Only the Witch Doctor knows how to file for benefits, and he´s on vacation until next year. ♦ I propose that we call cigarette junkies "diaper lickers", since getting something close to your face that smells as bad as a cigarette, well, you understand. Let me smear my shit on your face to get rid of that awful cigarette smell. Winston Extra-Stinky. ♦ Coffee comes in regular, extra caffeine, and IV Drip. Drip coffee is for those intravenous machines in the hospital. ♦ A Baby Changing Station is where you exchange a baby you don´t like for a different one. ♦ The eye doctor introduced me to a guy who sells guide dogs. He sez if my eyesight keeps getting worse, I will soon qualify to be a baseball umpire. ♦
I just realized what I want to do when I retire. I want to be a rich enough old guy that I can occasionally date the young babes. Brings back happy memories of when I was that age. ♦ Since Kinko's Copies is now Federal Express, stop calling the employees Kinkoids! They are now Fedoids! ♦ Having a rough day, but my life has been so horrific that I can have an impossible day and laught about it. ♦ Sombody told me the word "Bible" stood for "bullshit in bold, leaping exclamations." It's only BS if you mis-translate it, but most translators do. ♦ To a food addict, the dope dealer is called a grocery store. ♦ New Snackies have a full day´s supply of fat, calories, cholesterol, carbs, sodium, trans-fatty acids, and even BHT! The heart surgery clinic gives out free bags because they´re good for future business. ♦ The new Republican Tax Cut Plan calls for cuts and generous rebates when you buy a ten-million-dollar home, million-dollar car, private airport, race horse, yacht, or any painting costing over half a million dollars! And, their economic stimulus package provides cash rebates on any purchase of ten million dollars or more on a single item! The government will then chip in a generous $2 million of taxpayer sales tax money to help with your purchase.
(International Public Domain)
John Kitchin, NZ9F.com
San Diego Homeless News is Copyrighted and all rights are reserved. All else is Public Domain.
2017 = Public Domain, Except as Noted.