Batter Fried Fish, Not Women

John Kitchin, Applied Psychologist

Why do many women insist upon courting and dating men who are assholes, only to become abused, lied to, cheated on, and even beaten up?  Why do they want physically powerful men, as opposed to kind, intelligent, thoughtful, and playful ones?

This is written de-sexed, to apply to both heterosexual and homosexual relationships, and I add comments and revisions in blue to apply to marriage.

The latest revision is at the bottom, from Jan. 11, 2011.  It deals with how men form aggression towards women, and what can be done to permanently stop that in society.

Eras and millenia of evolution have shaped the Genetic Memory of we human apes.  If you do not believe in Evolution, then you are poorly-educated.  If you believe in Creation, you are automatically downright stupid.  99% of your DNA is memory molecules from previous generations, only 1% being the blueprint to construct your body.  We call Genetic Memory talent or instinct.  Some behaviors in humans, such as seeking fatty or sugary foods, goes back a million years, and is a part of survival.  Many of our mating behaviors are even older than that, but still affect us today.  (The word affect, as opposed to effect, was intentionally used.)

Women learned long ago that a powerful husband, rippling with muscles, was able to kill more animals for food, as well as defend himself from becoming food, and even protect his wife and family from threats.  Men learned that women with larger breasts are capable of increased milk production in the feeding of infants.  Some of all that sticks, even to this day.  Both sexes also learned that those who are intelligent, able to devise weapons, strategies, methods of processing or preserving food, medicines, and similar, are also good mates, but more emphasis on friend than mate.

Women feel protected when they date a physically powerful male who can beat up the neighborhood bully.  They were also taught that the body-builder type is more attractive.  We pay lots of attention to height, weight, muscles, hair, and similar.  Men do the same thing, seeking a combination of genetic programming, plus propaganda from society about what they are "supposed to" like, plus some likes entirely their own.  Is any of it beneficial for a relationship?  No, but it is there, like it or not.

Society tells us what to think and how to think, largely to sell us weight-loss products, gym memberships, fashion, cosmetics, surgery, facials, manicures, haircuts, jewelry, and a huge shitload of other profit-items.  Anything that the guys in marketing can dream up.  So, a woman is confused into thinking she wants Arnold Schwarzenegger, a very pretty man, even though a complete asshole.  We even market misfits like him in politics.  (Hence my joke editorial about Paris Hilton being a better Presidential candidate than Mitt Romney.)

Real beauty is within, so how do we get inside of somebody's head?  That process is called psychology, but until there are better ways to make a profit on marketing that strategy, we will have to stick with expensive rip-off dating services, flawed social networking, and friends who want to get into our pants (or panties).  Sexuality is very basic to getting inside of somebody (their head, not their vagina) and is also the easiest way to bond with someone being considered for a mate.  It is also the easiest thing to tell about a person, other than their appearance.  An explanation follows.

When you first meet someone, your eyes give you the image of their appearance, long before they get anywhere near you.  That, of course, is why we humans primp ourselves with eyelash crap.  Once closer, you might get a little feel for their love, or aura, or social class, and possibly even emotion, smell (both perfume and pheremones) and the finer details of their appearance.  From there, we either reject them, flirt, or make time chatting.

Flirting (or bonding) occurs because we are 100-kilo carnivorious apes, and we need to assure those close to us that we are not going to kill them and eat them.  Flirting is not really a sexual behavior, it is purely social, so if your husband or wife flirts, that is just part of being a human.  Do not get upset.  It does not indicate the sexual desire for a person, and even same-sex heterosexual flirting occurs, although we always refer to that as bonding.  Same process, really.  It is how we all make friends.  And lovers.

Those who flirt well are much more successful in life than those who never studied how to do it.  This mostly has to do with the trust of others, and the trust of ourselves by others.  We mistrust those that we do not understand.  We all remember those who were kind, and flirting displays niceness.  With successful flirting, we get the illusion that we understand someone, even though we do not, plus get the idea that they like us, even though they may not.  Flirting is often a type of lie.

Successful lying is the second-most productive tool that one can posess socially, behind flirting, unfortunately.  Business, sales, marketing, relationships, family, ministries, all require being able to skillfully lie and yet be believed.  I claim that the most skillful liars of all either become news anchors or political candidates.  We call people who are skilled at telling lies, yet they get believed, "professionals".  Yes, that is literally what that word really means.

Getting back to sex, the difference between a friend and a relationship is prolonged periods of time in which sex occurs, period.  No other difference.  And, sexual compatibility is one of the easiest things to tell about a person.  After their appearance, smell, and chat, we humans jump right into bed.  (If you do not believe that, go back to kindergarten and start learning to be a human all over again.)  Why do we fuck first and ask questions later?  Because it takes many years to really get to know somebody, and we cannot waste all that time only to find out someday that we do not get along in bed.  Very simple.

How long does it take to sample the sexuality of a person?  How long does it take to get to know them intimately?  No one wants to take ten years to develop a relationship, only to find out that it cannot work because of sexual incompatibility.  And, believe it or not, many people do not mix sexually.  We each have our programming before birth, and can largely only have really good sex with something like one out of five people.  Who you match to you might never even find, the way society has all of this "hell and damnation" propaganda about sexuality.

Sexual expertise is the third most important characteristic for success, behind flirting and telling lies.  So, how do you weed out the bad men or women?  We have our likes and dislikes, of course, and on the sex issue, never settle for anyone less than extremely awesome.  That will smooth the transition to their becoming a friend.  Welcome to reality!

After you have flirted, sniffed, hugged, kissed, lied to?, and had sex with your new friend, time to weed out aggression and violence.  Don't go on a dinner or movie date, as neither is stressful.  Ride a bus or train and talk with passengers about religion, sex, and politics.  Help in a hospital.  Volunteer at a local food pantry.  This will show you how the person handles stress.

You must also see them under a lot of stress.  Have them (on a different date) get into a public debate that has an audience, or give a performance, or do some acting or role-playing in games.  See if they exhibit an aggressive posture, or clench teeth, or scowl, or clench their fists.  Do they shout?  You must immediately drop anyone who handles stress poorly or you will someday be beaten up by them!  "Not all great people are married or gay.  Some are broke, drunk, violent, crazy, or out on parole."  -John Schlitz Kitchin.

Meet new friends ONLY at a coffee shop, grocery chain, laundromat, church, university lecture, or the best place of all, a volunteer group.  DO NOT allow anyone to be met at a concert, movie, restaurant, bar, theatre, convenience store, dance, party, or pool hall.  Anyone met there should be automatically rejected.  You want to know them?  Okay, ask about their church, coffeeshop, university, or where they volunteer.  Meet them there.

If their appearance is okay, sniff their pheremones and ask yourself what this brings out in you emotionally.  Need time to think?  Give them a hug and feel their love.  Then make chat, flirt, and if they pass muster, fuck the hell out of them with extreme maximum.  Still interested, because they are awesome in bed?  Explain that you want to get to know them, which tells them they passed the test.  Sex is not the REWARD for getting this far, but the TEST, sort of like a midterm exam.  Now you are officially lovers.  Maybe not for long.

You now are in a position to weed out the assholes, so arrange for something stressful, to see how they handle it.  Talk about religion, sex, politics, philosophy, psychology, psychiatry.  Add early life, parenting, similar.  Tough stuff.  You would rather be fooled, fall in love, and worship a spouse you don't really know?  Then you are a hypnotized idiot, but if you confine your conversations to certain tough areas, it will be impossible to lie to you.

What gives you the greatest possible orgasm?  Hey, you have already taken this person to bed, so that is a valid question to ask!  How could world peace be attained?  What is your concept of God?  Why do you vote the way you do?  What are your religious beliefs?  Have you had emotional problems?  Do your parents get along?  What about drugs and alcohol?  What are your sex fantasies?  What do you dream about? 

Sounds like a shrink?  Yes, we are getting a gentle person out of this process by being both lover and shrink at the same time.  Eventually this is easy.  Since it takes so long to get to know someone, you absolutely MUST have more than one lover at the same time!  Anyone who demands to have you exclusively (or even worse, calls you a slut) must immediately be dropped like a hot potato!  If you learn nothing else, learn that.  You may need to file several restraining orders, but that is way better than devoting your life to someone, first, and then having to file one.  It beats being beaten.  It brings out the assholes and exposes them quick.

As far as children goes, the world is so super over-populated now that it gets to be a worse place every day.  Do not be the blame for the misery of a new person.  The most intelligent people have no children, and most have no spouses, either.  I have never had either.  You end up with a few good friends, and you have sex with them sometimes.  You had sex with each one when you met.  Sex with any one of them is not important because we have a choice of several for that.  Everyone takes their friends to bed, even those married to other people, and this has always been true.  Get used to it!

You want just one sex partner?  That is like having just one vegetable, say broccoli, or just one flavor of ice cream, perhaps vanilla.  You and they will get tired of just one choice, and break up.  Choosing tonight's lover is as important as choosing tonight's wine or dinner entree.  And just as much fun, too.  Jealousy is for insecure wimps, who want to control you.  The same kind that eventually want to beat you into submission.  Do not get beaten up, now that you know how to avoid it.

In conclusion, if women become educated in how to avoid linking up with a wrong man, they are better off.  In the long term, men will be forced to comply with being less aggressive and violent, or they will not get any love nor sex.  Men are larger than women, and stronger, on the average, but women have 2.5 times the capacity to store and transmit love.  That evolutionary tool has been used to hold men in check and can still be used today.

In practical terms, place a drop or two of your blood into the food or drink of each lover every week.  And, of course, never allow their semen or menstrual blood to touch your mouth.  All else is hugs, kisses, great sex, and fantastic friendships.  Remember to have a minimum of two lovers at all times, or all this falls apart, and you become trapped.  The concept of traditional marriage is designed to trap people, keep them stupid, crank out lots of babies, and nobody cares if the whole family is dysfunctional and unhappy.  As long as we keep overpopulating, our real estate keeps going up in price, and so do our profits in the food business.

Adaptations added Nov. 29, 2011, to cover non-gnostic individuals and conventional marriages:  Bonding in a traditional marriage is accomplished by the wife swallowing the husband's semen, usually as a result of fellatio (oral sex).  This will aid their love, but allows the male more control over the female than vice versa.  She falls way more in love with him than he does for her.

Professional women add their menstrual blood to their husand's food, and this has been so for at least one hundred thousand years.  All professionals are gnostic, the two words being interchangeable.  Gnostic privileges, having your blood or semen in the food supply of everyone, is often referred to as "Professional Privilege".  It is the real meaning of the word "kosher".  Jews do not eat pork because pig DNA is similar in action to human DNA and thus interferes with the love-collection, hypnosis, and socialization process.

Keeping the amount of blood added very minimal is necessary to prevent driving people insane, and having them show up in mental institutions.  This is one reason we do not talk or write about these things.

Getting back to a conventional marriage, how do we equal the husband-wife love relationship, without explaining all this?  What about the marriage of a housewife to an industrial welder with only a high school education?  When they got a marriage license in many states, they gave a blood sample, and a little bit of their blood went to test for HIV, syphilis, hepatitis, and similar.  The rest of the blood went into the food at their wedding reception, but that was a once-only love boost.  It goes back twenty thousand years.

If we can get the wife to swallow the semen of the husband, we can still make their love survive if we can somehow get her blood into his food.  The couple does not need to be gnostic.  A psychologist or marriage counseler may come up with some excuse for blood to be drawn...we are going to test for...uh...Zippinpockliatosis.  Anyway, if we get the blood of either of them or both into the public food supply they will have enough love for their marriage to survive.  Often, the blood is merely given to their church pastor for use in the eucharist.  Can you say spicy altar wine?

Results of a Meeting with GTT/CBD:

Wednesday, November 16, 2011.

Meeting to discuss how to help or prevent battered women: I wrote Fish Page, NZ9F.com/Fish, as a result of wanting to add my take on how to prevent the abuse of women. A gentle heterosexual male, my perspective is different, especially also being a psychologist. I have been criticized for being too gnostic, but professionals all are. I will add a postscript about adapting this to regular marriage relationships.

Battered women and homelessness go hand in hand, many women becoming homeless due to being beaten up. So, as a major cause of homelessness, it is a substantive issue, as opposed to a feel-good issue. Provided our emphasis is on prevention. Once battered and homeless, all efforts are merely helping the person feel better, which is feel-good. Except, of course, helping them seek a new and non-violent mate. That gives them a home.

The course of action, then, is to educate women on how to weed out violent men, a course in psychology, plus cover the process of changing mates or having more than one simultaneously. All of these are the same process, testing for aggression. Since spousal abuse is a thousand times more prevalent than date rape, in this military town, it is only reasonable that emphasis be placed on that issue.

This is not just a Women's Issue, because it effects everyone. Men become victims when their wife or girlfriend gets raped by someone else, for example. Making it purely a Woman's Issue does not do it justice nor assign it enough priority or importance in society. This is a Men's Issue, too! In addition, one-quarter of violence committed against a significant other is male-male, female-female, or women beating men. All of it under-reported.

So much for my take, and on to the meeting last night of the Coalition For Basic Dignity, Girls Think Tank. Bringing in motivational speaker Donald McPherson was discussed, as well as organizing lectures at UCSD, USD, and SDSU, the three largest universities in San Diego. Emphasis was placed on lecturing athletes, but do athletes abuse women any more than any other men? Sounds stereotypical to me. There are, however, problems of rape on college campuses at this time, so that is an important issue.

Noor, Chairman of GTT, brought up the connection between women being battered as girls, and then seeking an abusive relationship as a result. She also said that we are concerned with college drinking causing trauma. Well, any message to men is not going to touch the problem of women seeking abusive relationships, so what does that tell us? Our message needs to be first to women.

A woman being raped is a violation of her basic dignity, but also a violation of the dignity of her husband or boyfriend. The concept of males as predators ignores the fact that most men are not, and is thus sexist. This is not just a womens issue. This is an issue of violence. As a gentle heterosexual feminist male, I see sexism here, and a WAM (Women Against Men) attitude, which is as incorrect as fighting anti-Black racism using anti-White racism. You double the problem!

Prohibiting men entirely at Rachel's shelter is sexist too, because men are not the problem. Certain men are the problem. Women need to learn that not all men are violent nor sexist. The wrong lesson is being taught. Reminds me of the early Women's Movement, when lesbian leaders took over and made it the Anti-Men Movement, seeking not to empower females but to criticize and demean males. Not productive. Also very sexist. What part of anti-male sexism is not being understood here?

Spousal abuse in this military town versus university rape is at least 50 to 1. Not that the universities are not important. If you are going to concentrate on the most prevalent issues, the ones which happen the most, such as male violence against women, as opposed to women against men or women against women, then it follows that you should also concentrate on the most prevalent issue of how that occurs, namely spousal abuse. Logic.

I have been a part of the Task Force on Battered Women for years (photos in M-page archives) and nowhere do they ever call this a man-hurts-woman problem. One quarter of it involves females battering females, or men being battered. It smacks of sexism to consider this merely as a women's issue.

Women apparently like this motivational speaker, but do men listen? I think a basic sex-role behavior can only be changed one-on-one by a significant other, so we need to teach women to teach men, rather than trying to teach men directly. I do not expect any motivational speaker addressing men to produce significant results.

When the speaker leaves, the peer pressure in the group of men goes back to "Check out the gerzonkers on that babe!" The format should be to teach women how to weed out the wrong sort of men, and how to teach men that they are in a relationship with how to be better. That has a chance of success. Seek good men and do not tolerate abuses.

The fault lies with society, not men nor women. Social norms, lots of stupidity. It is perfectly okay to be lesbian, but not anti-male. Men will see that, and flush your entire message down the toilet, making it all a waste of time. You ladies show a fundamental misunderstanding of heterosexual men. Changes in social agenda do not work this way, and handling this as a men harming women issue is an anti-male agenda and quite ridiculous. You cannot separate out the female portion of a general issue (violence) and then call that a women's issue. Too sexist.

What bothers me the most as that all of you well-educated women do not even see it. You are trying to teach men something while pretending that they are women. Men will not listen to you, much like you are not listening to me. Think this out. Your judgement is flawed yet you cannot even fathom that.

From January 11, 2011, an article on other ways to stop violence against women:

What causes male aggression against women?  How can this be eliminated?

Men's sexual attitudes are formed in an imprinting period from age 10 to 15.  Once formed, they are set and fixed, gelled for life, so this is an important life step.  Imprinting occurs in many species, and the most dramatic is in ducks.  What a duck sees at birth becomes its mother forever, and a duck will chase its "mother" (a bowling ball) down the alley.  Humans are no different than other animals whatsoever, as any gnostic knows.  We have brains that are too primitive to understand the language of a whale, for example.

Imprinting in human males regarding sexual attitudes and preferences involves sexual investigation and play with other males, curiosity about females, and desires for adult-aged mature females.  Mother-types are sought that are not too close to one's own mother.

There is the desire for sex, or at least experimentation with girls, but generally without their cooperation.  Likewise, it is only a very fortunate boy who gets actual sex with an adult female, teaching him about it.

The mystery and taboo which surrounds sex drives the curious boy to find pornography, and to assume that it is much more adult and normal than it actually is.  Porn mistreats women, demeans them, and presents sex as a distasteful and sordid thing much of the time.  Males learn, incorrectly, that sex is an evil but pleasurable event, involving domination and maltreatment of women.

Later as adults they learn otherwise, but it is too late to ever undo or unlearn imprinted behavior!  Nature has established ways of permanently wiring-in the brain or memory of species regarding certain things.  A male who goes thru the usual process of learning about sex is probably doomed to always treating women as inferior sex objects.  Any change must occur during certain developmental stages of his life, as men are not as educable or changeable as women are on this issue.

The nation of France fully permits and even encourages adult sex with minors, particulary young boys, in order to teach them about sex.  This is part of sex education, and parents will typically take a tutor to dinner as thanks.  In the United States this may not work, as the theme would attract too many deviates and perverts, but we could beef up sex education.

I suggest classes in sex education which feature actual sex live, followed by participation in same.  This would remove mistreatment of women as a basic building block of male psychology.  And, if you disagree, then you are brainwashed and I am not listening.  If you instead prefer a female-oriented format, such as a talk show, motivational speaker, or pulpit, you can reach women that way, but men will ignore it, saying, "I attended your stupid show, so now do I get sex?"  No effect on men, which is why television uses it for women's shows only.  Such a meeting can change women, however, so same could prove useful.

Trying to use preaching to change men is like sending a hog to law school.  Pigs do not fly, nor do they plead lawsuits.  They also do not beat up women, but sexist pigs do.

Sexual preference in men (homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual) is set in motion permanently via the same process.  Just like in a prison, if boys get no access to opposite sex persons, nor even porn, expect them to make do with other boys, readily available, and forget about females.  So, an intense ban on porn has the effect of making all boys gay.