San Diego Homeless Intellectuals - wit Today’s thought: (Archives) Shingles shots are an alcoholic beverage consumed by roofers, right? I heard the very best of all roofers make it onto Shingler's List. ----- If the Holy Cummunion isn't holy enuf, you gotta whack it with more sperms. ----- Ontario, CA is Ontario, California, NOT Ontario, Canada. On the other hand, Virgin Mobile CA is Canada, not California. ----- The British West Indies and Baja California have the same problem, because WI is West Indies or Wisconsin, and BC is British Columbia or Baja California. And I am glad that the World Wrestling Federation, WWF, stages all those wrestling matches to raise money for the World Wildlife Fund. ----- The British have a name for those who use Twitter a lot. They are called Twits. ----- I couldn't find the Orange Line Trolley, so I used the Grapefruit Line and ended up in a dumpster in Tijuana. ----- The new McChicken Sandwich. It takes just like chicken that's been run over by a bus. ----- I got a text message from my cell phone company that they are going to kidnap my cat unless I pay my bill by Friday. ----- Lord, help me to understand what I must understand, and to do what I must accomplish, and to kill and bury the mudderfokkers who piss me off. ----- The sign said No Sitting, Standing, Breathing, Existing, or Thinking, so the cop gave me five tickets. ----- I thought Lemon Grove was a car dealer! ----- Funk-Shway is a nightclub on Maple St. that has a battle between the yids and and yangs. The yids own the bank that the club pays rent to, so they usually win. The yids and the yangs are too yung for me. ----- Did he say the prison lunch was filet-of-fish, or filet-of-snitch? ----- Where do I live? I don't live, I just survive. We are in an Ecno-Monic Depression, which means that even God is broke. God tried to borrow twenty bucks from me just yesterday, but I told him my welfare check was late. What did George W. Bush do with all the money, and where is he hiding it? Money doesn't disappear, it just moves around. Somebody's got it. ----- Entry sign to the Tijuana Homeless Camp, Camp Hell: "Welcome to Hell. The Devil will be with you shortly;he is busy molesting some children right now. You see, he is working part-time as a Catholic priest." ----- Construction is man's way of telling God that the caves and forests that he provided for us to live in are not good enough. ----- Don't drink and drive, just drink, because beer is cheaper than gasoline. ----- Labor Day must have to do with childbirth and being in labor, because it sure can't be about the awful crap that the government is still doing to the unions. ----- Now you can vote by internet in Mexico, even if you are not Mexican or have been dead for years. In the US, dead people can only vote in Illinois and Utah. ----- BOGO, Buy One Get One. BOGOF, Buy One Get One Free. BOGUS, Buy One Get Ugly Shit (or Stuff). ----- We keep trying to get people back to work, but those lazy good-for-nothings just want to sit around and drink tea. We gotta get this Tea Party over with.----- FA(s)T FOOD is lard-asses trying to make everybody else just as porky. ----- At Big Jimmy's Printing and Birth Certificates you can get a vehicle title for just $22, which is way less money than making car payments. ----- We call soldiers that aren't gay by a different name, Marines. ----- "Fixing voting machines and rigging (foreign) elections is so easy that I could someday get my boy George W. elected President!" - CIA Director under Ronald Reagan, George H. Bush. ----- I'm in a 12-step program - I take 12 steps and fall down because I'm so drunk. ----- "Subsidized" means that somebody, such as a farmer, is getting paid to not do something. ----- "The primary purpose of religion is to keep the poor from killing the rich." - St. Thomas Aquinas. ----- The Al Capone Transient Center (El Cajon Transit Center) is where Capone's ganster buddies have always hanged out when they don't have any work, so he can find them a job as a dope dealer or a hit-man. -----"Customers Come First" is the motto of Mission Federal Credit Union, but also the motto of Adelita's Whorehouse Bar and Men's Bawdy Sex Club in Tijuana. Or, is it the similar slogan, "Customers Cum First". (true story)-----Menage a trois, pronounced menage a twat, is when you got more than one twat to work with. ----- A real stimulus package is a bag of cocaine. ----- If it doesn't give you diarrhea, it isn't real (xxxxx) food. (diet, hospital, airline, Mexican, American, home-cooked, Chinese, fast, gourmet, Italian, homie, ethnic, weight-loss) ----- Shit-on-a-shingle, meet cum-on-a-cracker. ----- Eskimo pies happen when little Inuit babies aren't wearing diapers. ----- Medical marijuana is a good mind laxative for those people who are so mentally constipated that their heads are completely full of shit, and they just cannot squeeze it out. Society makes a new shit deposit every time somebody reads a book, listens to the news, or attends a class. ----- In God We Trust, and we know we're God. Everybody else gets to eat our cum and pussy-blood to help cram their heads with our shit. ----- Same-sex marriage is God's way of helping with the overpopulation problem. ----- Bouncers are not always violent stupid people looking to feel better about being so inadequate by controlling others. Some "bouncers" are women playing volleyball on a nude beach. Sexist? No, human ape. ----- Why settle for artificial intelligence when you can get the apex in Artificial Stupidity: A computer that worships Jesus and can preach in 15 languages! New from DumbTronix. ----- Would you feel uncomfortable in a huge cage full of gorillas? What if the cage was huge, an entire planet, and was called Earth? ----- Under Ancient Pagan Law, a baby may be aborted up until one year after birth, which is the time it becomes a human life. This law is twenty thousand years old. ----- Buffalo Wings? Do buffaloes even have wings? I'm still looking for the nuggets on my chicken. I think maybe just roosters have nuggets, and you can castrate them and cook their nuggets. My chicken is a hen, no nuggets, but she has those pre-aborted fetuses called eggs that we humans strangle and scramble for breakfast. Whipped up chopped aborted chicken fetuses. That's good eatin'. ----- The bible is the rich man's book of slavery and how to do it. The rich who wrote it claim to be God, and the poor are too stupid to know better. So, the poor worship the rich slave-masters, calling their blood and cum "Jesus". ----- A Snow Day is when a huge shipment of cocaine comes in from Ecuador, so be really careful of all those high construction workers and bus drivers out there. ----- I wonder how many tourists get on the Orange Line trolley at the Convention Center, stay with it until after downtown, and end up making an unscheduled trip to the City Morgue, as a body. ----- Divorce continues night after night and you wake up feeling yourself again. ----- My pet roach got loose from his roach-clip and got the whole neighborhood pregnant. Now he will be featured on "Roaches Gone Wild." ----- Hi, I'm Leather Teddy the famous S & M guru. My products will help you thru better bondage, sadism, and torture, so you can squeal with delight. Leather Teddy's find line of lingerie, whips, chains, and handcuffs, and if the men's and women's selections aren't for you, we also have queen sizes for you queens out there. Free personal taser with a $300 purchase, so you can have more fun than a Border Patrol agent! ----- A new low! New Friskies Aborted Fetus Flavor cat food. For cats that like the taste of human blood. It's in the tampon isle. ----- Most lawyers learn how to practice law eventually, despite having been subjected to law school. ----- T-shirt on a homeless woman: I (heart) My Attitude Problem. Couldn't have said it better. ----- Heard on the radio that KFC now had 33% larger breasts, so I went down there, but they told me I had the wrong restaurant. It was an ad for Hooters. ----- Welcome to the United States Customs Inspection. Please wait in line here a short 3 to 5 hours for our immediate attention. Thank you. ----- "Architecture is Inhabited Sculpture", motto of the NewSchool of Architecture, 12th (Park) and Market. ----- We don't call it Slavery anymore. We call it Minimum wage. ----- The lady today said "Are you watching your figure?" I said, "Yes, I'm watching it get bigger and bigger." ----- I accidentally took a breath of air belonging to the City while standing on the 5th Ave. trolley stop "No Breathing, Standing, Sitting or Existing" Zone. I did not get ticketed, as the Gestapo failed to notice. ----- San Diego is where an Armenian and an Israeli hire a Mexican cook to prepare genuine Italian pizza, served by an Afghani to tourists from Holland and Australia. ----- The man said, "Homeless? So how long have you been a lazy, drug-addicted lunatic?" I said, "Huh?" He replied, "See, you don't even know!" ----- Satan runs the world, and allows that no good deed ever go unpunished. ----- It's a living chicken once conceived, so eating eggs is chowing down on some hen's abortion. ----- New adult movie, "Star Whores", about an interplanetary whorehouse. ----- You gotta admire my spunk, as I am at the same time about to sue the MTS for what they did to me regarding my bike locker, and at the same time, came up with a new trolley app for cell phones. As ridiculous as last week changing the psychiatric medicine of a doctor. ----- "Dialogue permits solutions, intolerance prevents them." Mexican Federal Elections Commission, IFE. ----- New "Bible Paper", biblical tracts on toilet paper, so you can wipe your ass with the word of rich slave-masters who wrote it and claimed they were God. ----- I heard they were afraid that former President George W. Bush had some kind of a disease called IQ, so they sent him out for an IQ test, but the results came back negative. ----- IBL, the Institute of Better Lying, can teach you how to be so convincing that you can become a news anchor or an attorney! Other jobs include hired court witness, minister, public administrator, senator, or investigator. Skillful liars rule the world, so get trained now by the Institute of Better Lying. Careers for your future! ----- Snake-Eye School of Law, Plumbing, and Pest Extermination offers a Ph.D. in Carpet Cleaning and a Master's Degree in Cockroach Abatement and Legal Consulting. You can also get your M.A. in Extortion. Become an expert at the Sheet Metal Bench and the Legal Bench at the same time! Anybody can practice law, but how many have a mafia permit to practice plumbing? ------- The Native Americans want their land back, but the buffalo say that they were there long before the first human, and they want their land back. ----- If burritos were once made from burrito (small burro) meat, what about hot dogs, arf-arf? ------ High-Fat creamer sponsored by the Coronary Surgeons Association as a marketing tool. See our participating physicians as soon as you need us. ----- McIguana. Wake up and smell the lizards. Served with fried puppy offal. McDelicious. ----- I expect to see Suzie Orman on the sidewalk any day now, the way investments are going. Oh, I forgot. She's in with the Mormon Secret Police, who warn when the scam is about to go sour. ----- Gamblers Anonymous is for people who buy common stock, right? Is "Hooked on Deritivites" about stock derivatives or opium derivatives, or both? ----- Rich fat pigs who own hedge funds are called hedge hogs. ----- If you don't feed your computer mouse enough cookies, your hard drive gets soft. ----- Persons pissing in the flower bed with be thanked and spanked by the Good Fairy, as soon as he/she gets back from blessing the gay bar. Thank you. Flowers like a golden shower. ----- Dogs leave scent messages on fire hydrants and such, which is their Facebook, because they stick their face in it to smell the message. Someday, on-screen scratch-and-sniff. ----- How about a cosmetic products catalog on-line featuring all of the different facial creams? Call it FaceGook, gook for your face. ----- A "Full Service" Law Firm gets involved in all the more complicated legal processes, like bribery, extortion, and money-laundering. Not just "Retainer Fees" (bribes for judges) but witness-tempering and reprisals, too. Guido, Busti, and Machine Gun Harry boast one of the finest Full Service Law firms, with great hit-men and arm-twisters. All legal work can be done on credit, because if you don't pay, they cut off your legs. ----- If chicken pieces are too big for your little boy, try Kentucky Fried Squirrel, new from the Colonel. Order a bucket of paws and tails today! ----- When did SS change its name to LDS? Their Real Estate Scams Division makes short work of bible junkies trying to witness for Jehovah. Is he their zookeeper? ----- Sometimes when I get ignored, the silence is deafening. A swastika is the symbol of Jewish oppression tactics used against Jews. Jewish oppression against everybody else is represented by. ----- Remember "Girls Gone Wild"? New "Cops Gone Wild" features police officers as they stab, shoot, kick, dismember, and torture innocent citizens! Watch video of police cutting off body parts, including one man's head, with a chain saw! All the butchery that made Hitler's SS famous! Cops Gone Wild. Coming soon to a video store near you. -------Redd, the fire-breathing dragon sez: "All humans are krunchy, but you can soften them up some by banging them against a mountain for a few hours, or running them over repeatedly with heavy truck equipment. Good eating!" (Remember that dragons prefer their humans extra-raw.) ----- Poop comes in liquid (piss), solid (shit) and gaseous (farts or cigarette smoke). That last one (especially Stench Sticks, sometimes called "cigarettes") is the worst of the 3. ----- Is is true that Fox News hires only creative writers? ♦ "Don't mess around with drugs and death. Mess around with life." -Mexican D.E.A. ♦ Victoria's secret was to put a little bit of her menstrual blood into her husband's food. ♦ Since the Segways used by the San Diego Propaganda Dept. are failing, how about using some of the famous San Diego Rats to pull them? Very green because the rats can feed off the human poop on the sidewalks. ♦ Is Naziism actually the same as Judaism, except that it is directed against Jews instead of being directed by Jews against everybody else? ♦ The bankruptcy of a rich nation is called "budget cuts", which causes a Depression that the nation does not survive. The only way out is a World War. All previous rich industrial nations starting to go down ended up with their disposessed burning the cities. ♦ "The truth is crazy, but if you know the truth, you know too much, so society locks you up and calls you crazy." John Schlitz, speaking of the UFO aliens, 3-31-11. ♦ Looks to me that two-thirds of the construction workers are high at work, which explains why Workman's Comp is the highest in California, and why the most accidents occur here. ♦ Is a "homie" a guy who rapes children, or a guy who teaches them how to inject heroin, or both? Why are so many homies let out of jail and not executed? Perhaps the word means gunslinger with no morals. Are they all high on dope? Do they really shoot people who do not become dope slaves? How do we kill them before they kill us and rape our kids? ♦ I wanted to make Chihuahua cheese, but Tiny won't let me milk her. Stubborn as one of those soy milk soybeans, but the teats on a dog are easier to find. ♦ A cup of Joe is great in the morning, unless you're bricked up and then you need a cup of José, made with the Tijuana water. Makes you shit like a racehorse that works for a fertilizer factory. ♦ I think stupidity must be a religion. Or, maybe it is all religions. Join Dummies For Jesus, and help give women emotional problems just for taking part in God's Holy Sacrament of Abortion. Suckers wanted. ♦ Thank you, God, for being less of a butt-hole than you were last week. ♦ A tsunami is when you're in a hot tub, and a fat person jumps in, depleting it of all its water. The closest I ever was to a tsunami is when a really fat babe jumped onto my waterbed, springing a leak, and getting the ceiling wet. Get rubber duckie a life preserver so he doesn't drown. ♦ "Life is about having a positive impact upon the world, despite the negative impact it had upon you." -John Schlitz, 03-02-2011. ♦ Please do not urinate nor defacate on the trolley, even though there are nearly no toilets downtown. The trolley is not an outhouse; it just smells like one. ♦ "Clean and Safe" has to do with reloading your handgun after if falls into all the human shit on the San Diego streets, right? Clean it, and you will then be safe?